Ah, spring!

While everyone else is opening up their windows to welcome in the fresh scent of green earth and fragrant flowers, I’m duct taping my sills and doorframes to keep every spore of villainous pollen outside my castle walls.

While my friends are winding down their car windows and driving about the city, arms and faces open to the blue sky and dazzling sun, I’m making sure I still have plenty of freon for my air-filtering A/C and sweeping my car’s interior of the dozens of used tissues I’ve crumbled in an attempt to stem my constant nasal drip.

While my family is hitting the road on a 2-wheeled caravan of frolic and fun, I’m hiding out in my bedroom, the remnants of every antihistamine known to man useless on my nightstand and my Vicks vaporizer blowing full in my face.

Auch, SPRING!

If you’re one of the lucky ones who don’t get to enjoy this time of the year quite as much as I do, praise your merciful Father in heaven. For some reason, he has rained down this blessing on me, possibly to teach me to be grateful for the other ten months out of the year when I don’t have to carry a box of tissues with me everywhere I go.

However, in my attempt to obey the three points of 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, I’ve discovered that there are some advantages to my seasonal disability.

Point #1: “Pray continually”. This is the easy one. God, please help me to sleep. God, please help me to breathe. God please help me not scratch out my eyes before spring comes to a close.

Point #2: “Be joyful always.” This is a little more challenging. I keeping checking different version of the Bible to see if there isn’t a footnote somewhere for this scripture that exempts me during allergy season. I’ll let you know if I find it.

Point #3: “Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you.” Okay, this is the most difficult. I mean, why would God will this kind of torture on anybody? But in the past thirty years I’ve learned the best way to be thankful is to write a list of all the things you have to be grateful for.

So here’s my Top Ten List for why I’m grateful I have allergies (drum-roll, please):

10. I get a free graphic, Hollywood-quality, 3-D simulation each morning revealing how the crows feet will layer my eyes in about 20 years (talk about special effects!)

9. I receive a cost-efficient exfoliation of my nose every time I rip off my nasal strips.

8. I have a great excuse for not wearing eye make-up—I rub it off before breakfast.

7. I have a new appreciation for the glorious softness of a Kleenex tissue!

6. I discovered Neosporin does wonders for a Rudolph Reindeer nose.

5. I garner sympathy wherever I go because I look like someone in mourning.

4. Having a bag of cotton stuffed between your ears is a great, drug-free weight-loss alternative (who wants to eat when you can’t even breath?)

3. There is an advantage to completely losing your sense of smell—you really don’t mind taking out the trash.

2. I can watch countless re-runs of old TV shows due to my “can’t breathe, thus can’t sleep” nights.

…and the #1 reason why I love having seasonal allergies…

…I never have to do spring-cleaning!

So, yeah, I guess there are a few advantages to having violent sneezing attacks, scratchy watery eyes, unrelenting nasal congestion, and a constant dripping faucet of a nose.

Ooh, ooh, ooh! I thought of one more thing to be grateful for—that spring only comes once a year.

%d bloggers like this: