This morning I washed the last breakfast plate clean, set it into the dish drainer, and burst into tears.
My life was kinda like that movie Crash when everything comes together just so as to cause this major collision.
First, my husband and I—separated for almost four years—are starting to make some headway in repairing our marriage so there are moments when I feel taut as piano wire.
Second, we’re attending a parenting series (Good Enough Parenting) which basically teaches how your parents unintentionally screwed you up so you can learn how not to revisit it on your kids. In the process you learn why you think what you think and do what you do. (I’ve already flagellated myself about the belittling, controlling, perfectionistic, and emotionally inhibiting things I’ve said to my kids since they were babies.)
Third, I felt utterly rejected when I wasn’t selected for a high school teaching position at my daughter’s new school.
More, I feel overwhelmed by the marketing plan I need to implement for my novel The Chasm Crosser, underwhelmed about a new fitness routine I need to start, and buried beneath a one-week cram course and two exams I need to take to renew my teacher certification.
And I’m supposed to be on summer vacation?!
But that’s not why I found myself sobbing into a dishtowel.
Twisted into a pretzel of emotional anxiety, I realized that everything I do is so that I can be accepted by others.
Ugh, I can barely stand to write it ‘cause it makes me sound so pitiful.
Then my husband called interrupting me mid-blog. After I sobbed for a moment into the phone, he gently reminded me I’m not alone. There are literally hundreds of millions of people out there drowning in their acceptance addiction only they’re not aware of it. They’re still caught in the prison of their lifetrap and have no clue why they are miserable or why their relationships, careers, and inner lives fall apart.
But I’m aware. I’m awake. I’ve got my eyes open. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, but not at the expense of your children (or your marriage). It takes knowledge, perseverance, faith, and friendships to break a generational cycle of dysfunction.
It also takes a great example. Jesus sobbed before God (Hebrews 5:15) and did his own share of wrestling (4:15). But he knew he was accepted by God (5:5). He came to set people like me free (Luke 4:18), free to be aware and to change.
I’m good now.
I guess I’ll hang up the dishtowel and move on to the laundry. Hopefully my next post won’t be from a puddle on the laundry room floor.